News flash — social media is a LOT like real life, and many of the same rules apply. When in doubt, ask yourself, “would I do this in a real-life situation?” If the answer is “no,” abort the mission.

It really doesn’t need to be any more difficult than that. The rules of etiquette and polite society don’t disappear in the wild west of the web — trust me on this. It’s as if the simple act of opening a web browser creates a vacuum, and all rational thought is sucked from the room.

Perhaps all these inquiries originated from the Bermuda Triangle. Or maybe they all failed to use the social media d-bag litmus test before they hit “send.”

The Social Media D-Bag Litmus Test

Wouldn’t it be great if there was some sort of social media d-bag litmus test? You could simply run the scenario through the test, and if it came out positive, you’d avoid posting (and subsequently looking like a tool). If it came back negative — good to go! I came up with a few “unofficial examples” to get us started, but I welcome your suggestions. Simply drop me a note in the comments section so we can build our test:

You wouldn’t waltz into the corporate offices of Mrs. Field’s Cookies and presume that she’d readily hand over the secret recipe for her mouth-watering chocolate chip cookies. I’m going to go out on a ledge here and add that she’s not likely to hand over her supplier list, either. That said, you may be Facebook friends with your business idol, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to give you the keys to the kingdom…and for the record — it’s in bad taste to ask him to do so, even if it’s by private message.

You’d never fathom walking up to a complete stranger on the street and ask them for a job or character reference. Who’s to say whether that dapper gentleman walking out of the bank is the manager, or the dude that just cleaned out the vault at gunpoint? Knowing this, why is it a stretch to think that a social network contact that you’ve never spoken with would be qualified or worthy of providing you with a reference?

It’s generally frowned upon if you jump up on stage during a presentation and try to usurp control from someone else. Want more proof? I’ve got two words for you — Kanye West. For all those folks pulling a “cyber Kanye” and spamming comments on blog posts, Facebook walls, and YouTube videos, shame on you. Your poor judgment does draw attention to you, but not in the way that you want.

Offering a long and uncomfortably-detailed hard luck story to the head of programming at NBC is not going to result in your own prime-time show. You can expect similar results if you ask random contacts to give you a free copy of whatever they’ve created, to promote your “business opportunity” to their network, to create a free website for you, or to give you a free promotional banner on their website. Your chances are slim and none, and as the saying goes, “slim” left town.

Folks don’t normally say they “like” things just because you ask them to — okay, perhaps the really polite ones do. The downside to this practice, of course, results in mind-numbing second dates, the mortification of being seen in public with your best friend dressed in their “rapper wannabe” regalia, and multiple nightmarish holiday sweaters from your Grandma. If you really don’t like something, you should be honest and just say so. It may sting a bit at first, but the truth shall set you free!

The social web has permeated nearly every aspect of our daily lives, and it holds the power to expand and enrich our lives in a multitude of ways. It also has the ability to broadcast just how socially inept some folks can be. So, until such time as a real life d-bag test for social media is invented, we’re on our own. Use your best judgment, and be careful out there.

I’ve got a confession to make.

I’ve taught my dogs (two of them anyway) how to say, “whoo-hoo!”

Now before you click away, all the while nodding your head and saying, “she’s finally gone and lost it,” bear with me for a minute. I assure you there’s a point to this confession.

As you may know, I don’t have any children — my three Yorkshire Terriers, for all intents and purposes, are my kids. They, along with my sweet and long-suffering husband, are the reason I get up in the morning.

As a gal who works from her home studio, I spend a lot of time with the pups. Not surprisingly, I talk to them. I’d like to think that if my dogs could talk, they’d be on the speaking circuit dispensing all manner of marketing advice.

But I digress.

When my dog Brinkley was still a little puppy, I decided to try to teach him to say “whoo-hoo.” He actually took to it pretty fast, and within a single afternoon, he’d mastered it. In fact, teaching him to say it was easier than convincing people that I’d actually done it.

People (including my husband) thought I was nuts. Nobody believed me. Then one evening, after more than a bit of gentle coaxing, Brink finally cut loose and proved I wasn’t ready to be carted off to the funny farm.

Not long after we got our third puppy, Spencer, I got to wondering if he’d be able to do our little trick. Sure enough, he’ll offer up a rousing “whoo-hoo” upon request. Thanks to some helpful coaching from Brinkley, Spencer took to it in record time.

That’s Charming and All…But What’s the Point?

When was the last time you got really excited about your business? I mean REALLY excited? Did you keep it to yourself, or did you bust out a rousing “whoo-hoo?” Don’t just celebrate the huge successes — marvel at the small ones as well. And even more importantly, share them with your network.

You’ll soon discover that your real friends and supporters will be there to cheer right along with you…and that makes every win just a bit sweeter. Making your network part of the show builds community. Strong communities are comprised of raving fans.

Get the picture?

So Here’s the Bottom Line

There’s simply no substitute for genuine enthusiasm. You can’t fake it — you either have it, or you don’t. And these days, we can all use a little uplifting news to take our minds off the dismal headlines we see each day.

My challenge to you is simple — find a reason to bust out with a “whoo-hoo” or a “heck yeah!” every now and then. Be genuine, and don’t worry about looking silly. We can all use a little more “whoo-hoo” in our lives.

I, for one, will be listening, and waiting to hear from you. Don’t let me down!

Since I am not a Netflix customer, I won’t even venture into the territory of discussing how the announcement was handled, or how it has drawn both scrutiny and fire in doing so.

Instead, I’d like to focus on the brand implications of their decision.

First, there’s the fact that the new name does nothing in the way of offering explanation as to what the service does. The name Qwikster brings to mind images of a gas station mini-mart — complete with day-old donuts, shriveled-up hot dogs, congealed nacho cheese, and an over-sized bathroom key.

But hey, that’s just me.

Oh, wait — no it’s not. There really is a gas station mini-mart chain using this name.

Perhaps they don’t mind that the term “quickster” often refers to a guy that is quick to land a gal in the sack. Of course, there is the remote chance that they were banking on the fact that the buzz they would generate with this decision is creating much more exposure than they may have garnered otherwise. We all know how well that whole “controversial PR strategy” worked out for Charlie Sheen.

Or, maybe that was Netflix CEO Reed Hastings’ nickname back in the day.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that the term could also aptly describe the group that they used to come up with the name. Quick as they may have been on the draw, you can’t help but conclude that they are a bit slow on the uptake. Had they spent a bit more time conceiving the new brand name, they could have avoided what could potentially become some expensive brand repercussions.

First, there is no shortage of similarly-named brands, as this well-done article on TechLand points out.

Brand imagery aside, you have to think about that pesky misspelling factor. If you do, I’d be willing to bet you’ve surely spent more time on it than the brain trust at Netflix did. I mean for crying out loud, even Google was confused.

Confusion in the marketplace is one of the things that trademark owners want to avoid like the plague. Why, it’s almost as bad as when the mere mention of your brand brings to mind images of a gas station mini-mart.

Lastly, and I saved this one for last because it is truly the icing on the cake — is the blatant failure of the brand to secure the name on the primary social networks before the rollout. To illustrate just how badly this failed, I headed over to NameChk and did a quick (or maybe it was qwik — sorry, couldn’t resist) search to see just how many sites were already sewn up with respect to this name.

The first one I would have looked at is YouTube. Sorry! Too late. That one’s taken already.

It’s a similar story at Twitter, where the foul-mouthed current account holder has been making public comments about wanting to hold out for six-figures. Someone should tell the poor chap that selling user IDs is against Twitter’s Terms of Service, and will likely end up getting him banned. Of course, then the name will be up for grabs. In clicking through to some of the other networks that are showing as taken, I did find a number of 404-pages — so perhaps Netflix has been successful at gaining control over some of these pages elsewhere.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out — but in the meantime, this should serve as a cautionary tale for brand owners — haste makes waste.

UPDATE: This morning, CEO Reed Hastings announced via the Netflix blog that the company has reversed its decision to spin off Qwikster for DVD-streaming.

Our refrigerator probably has two dozen magnets on it.

It’s a fairly typical collection — most of them hold photographs of my nieces and nephews — and of course, there’s at least two that have pizza take-out phone numbers on them. There’s even one for the Pet Poison Control Center, which actually has come in handy before…but that’s a story for another day.

There’s one magnet in this eclectic collage that makes me smile every time I read it.

It’s a quote from Betty Reese — “If you think you’re too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.”

Prior to reading that quote for the first time, likening myself to a pesky mosquito was just about the furthest thing from my mind. I mean, they are blood suckers, after all — and not the Robert Pattinson cute-and-sparkly-variety, either.

But even if you loathe mosquitoes, there is no denying that they are tenacious, and they make their presence known. When they’re gone, they leave a mark behind.

As a small business owner, who doesn’t aspire to those goals? I do, and I’ll bet you do, too.

There Are Days When it Sucks
Every small business owner has encountered days when their situation sucks. Long hours, the never-ending learning curve and bootstrapping can take their toll on even the most positive folks.

Those are the days when you need to look toward your fridge, whiteboard, family or friends to help remind you of just how far you’ve come. Whether it’s a newspaper clipping, a photograph, or a fridge magnet — the reminder doesn’t have to be fancy. It just needs to be effective.

Mosquitoes aren’t likely to begin gracing motivational speakers’ brochures any time soon, but the message has always been there.

No matter how small you are, don’t let anything stand in your way of thinking and dreaming big.

At the beginning of the season, it was announced that they would be filming a promotional video of the coaster, and any park employee interested in riding the coaster and appearing in the commercial was encouraged to show up.

The Magnum was a brand new ride, and surrounded by a huge publicity campaign with lots of hype. Who wouldn’t want to be part of that?

The evening of the video shoot finally arrived, and over the next few hours, I must have ridden that coaster seven or eight times…with mixed reactions.

It goes without saying that the first trip was the most exciting. The clickety-clack of the chain punctuated each inch as we slowly made our way up the 205-foot first hill of the Magnum. You could see the entire park from this vantage point, although only for an instant. With barely a moment to catch my breath, we crested the first hill, and I caught a glimpse of what seemed like a ninety-degree drop straight down.

I remember only two words going through my mind, “Holy crap!”

By about the third time, my stomach didn’t even jump when we went over that first hill. And just like that, the honeymoon was over.

I’d gone from “holy crap!” to ho-hum.

By the fifth go around, I’d had enough. I swore if I had to go again, I was going to hurl.

Hard to believe I’d once been so enchanted, isn’t it?

My experience on the Magnum reminds me an awful lot of the “Mega Launches” of many big name Internet marketers. They hype and promote these releases — often for weeks before they are officially launched. They pack the soon-to-be-customers into virtual trains and inch them through the sales funnel…clickety-clack…each video, audio or download takes them one step closer to the summit…where inevitably, the frenzied masses will whip out their wallets and purchase.

They (the customers) seem to have forgotten that what goes up, must come back down.

Before you know it, the exhilaration of that first hill is behind you, and you’re right back where you started from, save for a few hundred bucks lighter in the wallet.

“The heights of great men were not attained by sudden flight, but as their companions slept, they toiled upwards in the night.”

The guys manning the controls hope that they can keep pitching you their latest thrill ride, and that you’ll keep buying a ticket — because their latest one is “faster, steeper and better” than the last.

But before you clamor to jump into the que and buy your ticket, you need to ask yourself — are these product launches taking you to your desired destination, or merely taking you for a ride?

Business success isn’t about breakneck speed or instant gratification. It’s a commitment — one with long hours, hard work, and often little in the way of thrills and chills. Unless of course, you consider the incredible satisfaction you’ll experience when you finally get it right.

And that, my friends, is a thrill worth waiting for.

“I decided to approach you for this because I think of you as a social media guru,” my friend began.

“Hold on there, chief. I’m flattered that you’d want to work with me — and I’m happy to help you out in any way that I can. But, I must insist that you don’t refer to me as any kind of a guru. You see, I think guru is a four-letter word.”

Suddenly, the line went quiet. Uh, oh. Time for some clarification.

“When I hear the word guru, my mind’s eye pictures a shriveled old man in a toga, sitting in the lotus position. He pontificates his wisdom in a gravely voice, and his followers sit at his feet with their eyes glazed over, taking in every word as if it were gospel. That is so not my style.”

“Instead, I’d much rather be the trusted confidant that you know you can count on when times are tough, and you need someone in your corner. I’d prefer to be the friend that you know has your back, and will give it to you straight — even when the truth hurts. I’d rather be that girl. There’s not as much competition for her title, but it’s one that I can fill, without compromising who I am, or what I believe in.”

“So call me Traci, call me ‘hey you’ if you like (I’ve certainly been called worse), just please don’t ever call me a guru.”

Social media is supposed to be about being genuine and natural…and no matter what you call yourself, you can’t escape who you truly are. And if you’re trying to “be” anything or anyone else, you’ve already missed the point.

Raise a Glass to Being Natural
In the late 70s, Anheiser Busch released a series of commercials promoting their Natural Light brand; they featured a character named Raymond J. Johnson, Jr., a character created by comedian Bill Saluga. Despite the fact that I was nowhere near legal drinking age in the 70s, this commercial has always stuck with me. Mr. Johnson offers up a half dozen or more things you can call him, but for whatever reason, he just doesn’t want you to call him Johnson.

Johnson’s rant became part of the pop culture lexicon overnight. Can you imagine what it’s reach might have been had Twitter been around in the 1970s?

Saluga’s character was everywhere. “You can call me Ray…” became so popular that Bob Dylan quoted part of the commercial in his 1979 song, “Gotta Serve Somebody.”

I love the character of Raymond J. Johnson (and not just because I had my kid sister parroting this commercial 24/7, much to my mother’s dismay). You can’t get much more authentic than Johnson. Sure, he’s loud, brash and more-than-a-bit annoying, but this guy is the epitome of “what you see is what you get.”

Despite his wardrobe choices, some thirty years later, Johnson’s approach is one to aspire to. Now that’s brand longevity — I don’t know about you, but I’ll drink to that.

That can only mean one thing – it’s time for some spring cleaning.

The concept of sprucing up the house and clearing away the winter wardrobe is part and parcel of the whole spring cleaning process.

It’s about a fresh start – a new beginning.

I’ve decided to take my spring cleaning activities on-line this year, and I’m starting with (gasp!) my social media accounts.

I’ve taken to Twitter, followed by Facebook, and I’ve dropped hundreds of “friends” faster than Lindsay Lohan’s stint in rehab.

Wait…did you say dropped?

Yep, you bet I did. I realize that is counterintuitive to anything and everything we hear about social media. Everywhere you turn, folks are telling you how to “automate the friending process,” or “gain thousands of new followers.”

Call me crazy, but to that I simply say, “why?” You already know that I likened buying followers to stuffing your bra, so we won’t go there again.

If you’re like me, you probably have acquired your fair share of followers on the various social networks. I’d like to invite you to take a quick quiz.

Take a look at the bullet items below, and answer them honestly:

• Of the Facebook friend requests that you’ve approved in the last six months, how many have you never seen or heard from again, aside from that initial contact?
• Have you bothered to say hello, or introduced yourself on their wall?
• How many of these new friends contact you only with a slew of requests to “like” their pages, or attend their webinars or launches?
• How many have disappeared altogether?

These were just a few of the questions I asked myself when I began to take a critical look at my friends list, and pare them down. When I took an honest look at my answers, I knew I needed to make some changes.

I realize that my approach is not for everyone. In fact, I’m sure that there will be plenty of folks who disagree completely. I can only base my decisions on my own user experience.

Speaking of which, once I cleared away some of the cobwebs from my accounts and dusted them off, something interesting began to happen.

The quality of the engagement with my friends actually improved. I no longer needed to wade through pages of clutter, delete dozens of invites, or block countless game updates. They simply disappeared.

It left me time to actually enjoy the experience, develop new partnerships, and make deeper connections.

Of course, now that I’ve got that out of the way, I suppose I need to turn my attention to the spring cleaning tasks here at home.

Anyone got the number for Merry Maids?

No doubt I’ll take some heat for this statement – and I’m okay with that.

I chose bra stuffing for my analogy due to the simple fact that it’s something that we’ve all heard about at some point in our lives. It’s also something one would never admit to actually doing – after all, that sort of defeats the purpose, right?

And herein lies the beauty of the analogy.

For folks who are interested in bulking up their Twitter flock or Facebook fanbase, there is no shortage of services to meet your needs. But here’s the rub – how many of those new friends of yours will actually read your tweets, visit your site, or participate in your Facebook community?

Are you buying those “friends” for the sole purpose of sitting there in your account…making you “look good?”

They may as well be tube socks in your bra – they may be great to look at, but they’re a far cry from the real thing. No amount of wishing or chatting them up will transform tube socks into the real thing, either.

Here’s a newsflash – they’ll still be tube socks.

You’ll be far better served by pairing those tube socks with a comfortable pair of running shoes – use them to jump into the social media mix with both feet. Focus on quality, instead of quantity. Play an active role by trading tips, answering questions, and sharing insights with the community.

Don’t be a boob – you can’t become a social media success overnight.

I smiled for quite a while after that call, not only because it was great to catch up, but also because it provided me inspiration for what turned out to be this post.

That conversation with my friend reminded me of the three central characters in the 1991 movie, City Slickers. I’m guessing that most of you have already seen it, but if not, don’t worry – I won’t ruin it for you. The inspiration I drew from the movie is important to the post, but won’t give anything away.

During the cattle drive, Mitch and Curly are riding alongside one another, when Curly shares the secret of life. Rather than tell you, I’m embedding this short clip below – I could never do Jack Palance justice.

Focusing on any single thing these days is damn near impossible. We are a society of multi-taskers – we text during meetings, we talk on the phone while we drive, we operate multiple monitors, and some, (surely not you) tweet from the restroom.

Whether you prefer the analogy of spinning plates or juggling balls, the end result is the same – in a split second, the whole act comes crashing down.

The “one thing” that Curly refers to can take different shapes for different people. Maybe you are just starting out with a new business venture, and you are concerned about trying to be all things to all people. Focusing on that “one thing” that could make you unique – great even – could set you apart and define your place in a niche.

Perhaps you are struggling to decide on whether or not to make the entrepreneurial leap. You long to spend more time with your family, and have more control over your own success. That may be your “one thing” to focus on over the remaining eight months of 2011. How will you work to reach that singular goal?

Finding your “one thing” in your twenties or thirties isn’t impossible – I can rattle off a number of Facebook friends and colleagues that are shining examples of doing just that. But don’t worry, just because you’ve passed the age for being carded when you order a glass of wine doesn’t mean you’re too old to find your “one thing.” The fact that you’ve got a bit of experience under your belt certainly can’t hurt in that pursuit.

So saddle up, and get ready for an adventure. And remember, never squat with your spurs on.

But, if you were looking for sugar-coated, butterfly-chasing rainbows and unicorns truth, stop reading now. This blog post (and likely much of what I write) is not for you.

Now that we’ve got the disclaimer out of the way…let’s start with an obvious truth.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being yourself. As I said recently in another post, you are uniquely designed, and unlike anyone else on this Earth.

So why then, is it that some marketing “gurus” (or Jedi, or whatever the heck the title-du-jour may be) would have you believe that you must don some sort of over-the-top persona in order to be successful? Some of them portray themselves as the “industry bad boys,” or the “unlikely heroes” of Internet marketing.

Perhaps that works for them.

To me, it seems like a rather pointless exercise. Anyone that tries that hard to create a different personality should either be (a) working covertly for the government, or (b) looking to bunk with Sybil for an extended vacation at Shady Acres.

Perhaps it’s because it goes against everything I learned from the time I was knee high to a grasshopper. For heaven’s sake, even Popeye cartoons reinforced it – “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am!”

Who am I to argue with Popeye?

If you truly want to connect with prospects, you have to do it by being yourself. Not some over-processed, airbrushed version of who you think you should be. Don’t you have enough work to do as a small business owner? Why would you deliberately create more work for yourself, when you already have the business of being you locked down?

When you’re talking about the social networks, the criteria for following someone typically boils down to those who:

• Create or share valuable content
• Offer the potential to network/partner/refer business
• Educate us in areas we’re interested in
• Entertain us and provide a welcome diversion
• Enriches our lives

Customers and prospects can spot a phoney from fifty paces. Anyone who says otherwise is grossly underestimating the average consumer. You’ll be far better served by projecting your real personality – both in your day-to-day business interactions, as well as on the social networks.

There will always be folks with whom your personality will immediately resonate, and they will likely be among that 20% that generates 80% of your business. Those who are not drawn in by your personality would likely “unfriend” you anyway. Once they realized that you were merely playing a part, you’d be toast – after all, sooner or later, everyone shows their true colors.

Social media is about creating authentic relationships with real people. If you are looking for a great character to play, start with the one in the mirror.

After all, you’ve been training for the part for years.